I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
