She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
