I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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