you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
