i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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