One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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