I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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