I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
