I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He felt like a one man threesome
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
how drunk are you?
Several
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
