wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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