the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.