Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
