i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
