I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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