I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
