I'm sorry my penis didn't work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm at about main and main street
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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