i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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