I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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