all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i dont even know how to be here
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
