bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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