I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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