How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
