if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize