I am in a vortex of obligation.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
