shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
