I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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