sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
