Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
