I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
