I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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