Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
