i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
