Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
