You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
