Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
They have beer where we have blood.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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