Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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