If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Drunk is not a location!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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