Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
