dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
