Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
