My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
