i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
