All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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