Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
