if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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