I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
