The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
