i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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