I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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