it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
