he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
