If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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