Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
